Archive for July, 2010

How to Shaft Moocher In-Laws (in 6 Steps)

July 27, 2010

Situation

You get married to the eldest sister. She has one brother and one sister.

The Brother is in the armed forces and likes to bring all his buddies to the house on the weekend to relax. The result is the house is trashed, the booze is gone and the TV is roaring til 5 A.M. Oh and there’s no offer to help clean or pay for anything. Yes, I realize that these people lay their lives on the line for us. But at what point does it become mooching? I will tell you. When it happens more than three times.  In my opinion a good soldier is able to act in wartime and peacetime.  Yes, I spoke that sentence, out loud, in the voice of a HIPPY.

The Sister is a borderline manic-depressive (true) who can’t get her shit together. Every time my wife moves, she’s moved with her (5 states) and it ALWAYS ends badly between them. Whenever she comes to “stay a while” (meaning more than three months) she doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t contribute by buying food, and doesn’t do her own dishes. She’s employed and spends most of her time stretching her twat with dick. Too soon?

Attempts to set boundaries with either sibling prompt my wife to become her alter ego – The Enabler. Yes, though she goes through life as a mild-mannered spoiled child, my wife leads an exciting career as a secret fighter for freedom. The response, “I don’t want to create a negative environment” to my suggestion that we not let people just leave garbage lying on the floor. I know, I must be such a tight ass.

Hook, Line, & Fucker

This will teach you how YOU can get rid of mooching in-laws like these. Yes, friends you too can curtail the suckling that Veronika  Robinson perpetuates and set healthy boundaries at all times.

  1. Let the Well Go Dry: Pay all the bills ahead of time so there’s no money to buy more food or alcohol. If questioned simply state you are being proactive with the bills and have future financial security on your mind. Also, if you are being sent to the store every five minutes for  cigarettes,spirits and food you have two choices – 1) Get busy or 2) Get something out of it.
  2. Get Busy: If the wife asks you to go to the store you simply release a litany of events which will positively impact your life, including: washing the dog, business networking meeting, working late, ran out of gas, picking up the prints of wedding photos for a new album you had in mind, finding just the right nipple ring for your daughter before she goes into her second year at college.
  3. Get Something: Hey, if you like Swedish Fish and Jolt Cola as much as I do then every time you go to the store, you get a consolation prize. When questioned why you have to be such a child and get something every time you go to the store, simply ask if she would like something. Or if you want to pick a fight so you can leave the house, ask her what the problem is with spending your money on yourself. Or buy her flowers. Or tampons. Depending on the timing.
  4. A Little Help From My Twats: Mostly dishes don’t get done and cleaning follows the frequency of Haley’s Comet. They stop, so you stop. “Oh there are no forks left?”, “I’m not sure why the internet is not working.”, “We’re out of marshmallow Fluff?”, “You’re out of toilet paper.” Too bad, not your problem. The responses veer into, “There’s some in the sink you can wash.”, “There’s a coffee cafe down the street.”, “Yea, sorry. We had the house payment this month.”, and “Use your left hand.” Too lazy to help themselves, they’ll go somewhere else.  Again if  questioned, “I think we need a new router honey.”, “Sorry, I was helping the kids with their homework and doing laundry.”, “Did you want to run to the store quick?”
  5. Bring in the Dark Forces: The hoodoo spell for getting rid of unwanted guests is to wrap an onion in red ribbon and set it under their bed. Either the smell or the dark forces will get them out. My favorite is to write their name three times on parchment paper, put it in a vial full of Four Thieves Vinegar and either drop it in the storm drain or down the toilet. Adios, suckas.
  6. Fear: My sister-in-law is afraid, deathly afraid of snakes. Even saying the word in front of her gives her chills. The dollar store sells the rubber equivalent for..well, a dollar. Plus tax. She’ll never come back and I’ll never again have to hear her ask for clean towels again. Even though there was a giant pile that needed to be folded directly behind her. My brother-in-law hates certain friends of mine. They are invited over whenever he is and thus dwindle the resources even further.

So remember friends, if you have to put up with this crap you might as well enjoy yourself. The most important thing of all is never, Ever, NEVER, get mad. Always be pleasant and helpful. Always have a smile on your face. Always say, “I’ll do my best” in the best impersonation of a Boy Scout giving his oath as his Scoutmaster  drops trou. This will put you above suspicion because you never complain. If you have the cunning to inflict your significant other with the behavior where she has to pick up every toothpick, run for beverage after beverage, and clean the carpets constantly, the cycle will slow itself.

If you need more suggestions, please let me know.

Advertisements

Quickie

July 27, 2010

Was banging this girl with a back tattoo. Unfortunately it was Vagina Monologues. How distracting.

The summer is progressing rather well. Got some amazing stuff going on. Submitted it to a publisher who basically told me to “Pick a format”.  Sticking with either short stories or prose. Not sure yet. Found myself writing a lot of erotica this summer. Could be the influence of literary versus the copulatory – who knows. I blame the short blond. But then again who doesn’t when they sign their divorce papers in Vegas. Digression arrives unannounced and that soon.

State of the Insanity is as follows:

Mentally: I’m bored out of my friggin’ skull. There were some interesting developments. Maybe even an exodus to the Coast. But alas, stagnation accompanies relaxation in overzealous devotion.

Physically: Eating healthier is all well and good for when you’re on a meth binge, but those Vegan motherfuckers talk about nothing. How many ways can you dice an eggplant?

Emotionally: Detachment is abound. Security and boundary issues have given way to wanton stimuli. This is what boredom does. In the past I’ve raged against the machine and injustice, dragged hypocrisy by the foot into the spotlight of condemnation and masturbated with a crucifix. Okay, the first two are true. However, satiation in required for this malady.

Spiritually:  We continue with the Voodoo. Holiday is this weekend. Preparations will be made accordingly, with the appropriate sacrifices. Deity does not seem pleased. Perhaps it was my attempt to sleep with my sister-in-law. I love those pussy-shaped candles.

Contemplating a move lately. There are pieces in play. Kind of like the rolls of fat I see from Wal-Mart(R) patrons. Seriously I was at a gas station and two fat chics waddled towards me. In my head I said to them, with my hands raised, “Sorry. I don’t have any doughnuts.” And sure as I am writing here I saw them twenty minutes later down the road with a box of doughnuts. It’s like a scene out of “Stranger Than Fiction”.

Until next time…