How to Cheat and Improve Your Marriage at the Same Time.

1) Make a Decision

If you are going to cheat, go all the way. Don’t do it half-assed. Commit yourself mentally or it’s never going to work. Be prepared to lie, steal and, cheat well. Next, decide how far you want to go, whether it’s a hand job at your local non-union massage parlor, or a threesome with you, a midget and a dog. You must align your will with your actions. Removing your delusions will eliminate roadblocks; allowing you to connect directly with your desire. Don’t half-ass it, don’t second guess yourself. Regrets are for those who have no wish to live a full life.

Make a decision to deliberately deceive the person you swore to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your natural life to the best of your abilities and without buying into the bullshit that it’s wrong. You’ll hear it all the time and the rationalizations that go with it; but truth be told if your wife was as devoted to your happiness as you are to hers you wouldn’t even be thinking about it.

2) Prepare and Execute

Find out your wife’s favorite flower, plan a girl’s night, start doing little things a little at a time, and ask her opinion about every subject. The more little things you do, not big things, the more comfortable she will become. Compensating does not eliminate her looking at your cell, sniffing through your email, surprising you at the office for lunch. The way you think you can’t get caught is the way you will. Do not be conspicuous. When she’s around focus on her or what you have to do. Give her no reason to suspect that you are doing anything else, but what you are doing. If you are spending a long time “checking your email” then you probably aren’t. If you want to be crafty, draw her a bath and check your Ashley Madison account after she’s been in about ten minutes. Make sure she doesn’t have a towel.

MySpace, Facebook, Tagged, Xanga, LiveJournal, Friendster, etc. will record everything you do, along with your computer. Get a laptop and password protect it. If she sees it, she will suspect it. Learn the ways of concealment.

Second, do not shit where you live. Do not leave anything undeleted, un-erased, un-destroyed. Do not mess around at work. Don’t go after the altar boys in your own parish. Do not keep mementos, do not give mementos. Pictures, letters, panties, broken condoms, should all be disposed of promptly and properly. Never use credit to pay for anything and always get rid of the receipt. Pack a bag and leave it in the car. Develop a hobby as an excuse as to why you went somewhere. Make it something you enjoy so she’s none the wiser. Know her schedule backwards and forwards, and any reason why she would deviate. If it looks like trouble, abort. You can always re-schedule or find another person to play bump-bump with. Getting caught is the last thing you want. The motto I constantly live by in these situations is, “Don’t Be Stupid.”

3) Look at the Big Picture

For your wife, ask her what her dreams are. Acting in a revival of “Steel Magnolias”, skydiving, and fucking Robert Goulet and Tom Jones at the same time are the top three dying wishes of married women in Arkansas. Buying her a ticket to Las Vegas or getting her acting lessons is the first step to making her think you care about her dreams. Facilitate and plan ahead. She will be taken aback by your thoughtfulness and unaware of you being a shrewd bastard.

For you, go workout. It stimulates the body, the mind and the prostate to see all those hot chicks bouncing on the elliptical. If your wife asks who you are trying to look good for, just reply for her only. Even if she snickers or chortles, she’ll melt a little inside. In reality it is for all the chicks you will be banging while their parakeet takes copious notes.

See where you want to be in a few months, in a year. Knowing where you want to go and how to get there will bring you a sense of purpose and give you the glow of confidence every man with spray tan wants.

In conclusion, as you grope for the details of your affairs, a final warning: Never give direct access to your day-to-day life. Never give your address, your familiar email, your web handle, your dog’s name, the name of your member, not your favorite number, nor your real birthday even. If trouble ever comes to your door the details of your other life will not match causing disconnect, casting the shadow of doubt on the tale.

The psychological service you are providing yourself is invaluable. Sustained released of wanton lust is better than letting it build to the point of boiling over that give way to sloppy, uncontrolled outbursts. You’ll live longer for it. And if it you arrive at a point where your marriage is getting better than you can simply turn this channel of your life off.

Until next time, “Don’t Be Stupid”.

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2 Responses to “How to Cheat and Improve Your Marriage at the Same Time.”

  1. curiousbetty Says:

    I am a woman, and obviously you meant this for a man lol
    But I can actually take a lot away from this blog. My last blog I wrote, was about me being a chicken shit.
    You are right, I need to get right in my mind. Make the CLEAR decisions. Not half ass.
    Thank you for this! 🙂

    • jimwitness2 Says:

      I did mean it for a man. Unless you’re a lesbian in the masculine tense. I am pleased you took away something…and it wasn’t an STD. Don’t keep mementos!!

      Here to help!!

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