Archive for April, 2010

In the Congo

April 30, 2010

My day was a little hectic. Spent most of the morning reviewing some old writing I wanted to broaden. The shining sun brings its refreshing warmth, to me, the lizard stuck inside all day. Reminds me of the time when I was laid off from my first job. I would wait on hold for an operator at the unemployment office to pick up. This used to take 2-3 hours. Applying for jobs online used to take all day because after uploading my resume, I would then have to fill out each piece of the application again. This could take up to at least thirty minutes. Hence, I would be inside all day. Occasionally, while on hold I would look at porn and rub one out. Tempting Fate with the possibility that the operator would come on the line at the same time as me, hearing Jessica Carrboro writhing and moaning in the background.

In the afternoon my dogs would go ballistic as the neighbors, and suspected drug dealers would let their dogs run around the neighborhood. Their scampering around my driveway created a piercing symphony of yelping, barking and whining. I would go out, shewing them back to their own property. After a while this became more than a nusance and more of a respect kind of thing. Speaking to my neighbors about it would have no doubt resulted in bullets extending my air conditioning or a miracle of conflagration happening while I was out. Contemplating a solution, I first thought of a pellet gun to give them a good sting. Thinking better of it, I had previously utilized my hose to scare away perspective tresspassing pooches. However this would be too obvious and cumbersome having to turn the hose on and off. Then, I hit upon it. I would fill a Super Soaker ® with a mixture of artificial deer urine and water. Hiding between the cars in my driveway I would steathily soak their asses and be able to retreat under the cover of my car port to the back door of the house, undetected. The dogs, being drenched in scent would return to their master who would be befuddled and unamused at the smell.

How do I know they’re drug dealers? I think it was the posse meetings every day at three o’clock. Or perhaps the guard car full of guys overnight outside their house overnight. His family lives there so he’s not dealing out of the house, just orchestrating. Roughly every three weeks a black Mercedes ® with unfriendly tinted windows rolls up. Never really see anyone get out of the car. It just sits there. But I’m sure they are running a peer mentoring group for young men in the neighborhood. Speaking of which a kid about the age of fifteen or sixteen in a security company shirt and hat came to the house three times (I ignored the first two attempts) to tell me about break-ins in my neighborhood where the perpetrators are cutting the phone lines so when invaded the people can’t call 911. Um, yeah. Apparently he doesn’t live around here. Fighting down the urge to ask him where the incidents took place (I live four blocks from a police station), I smiled and told him that the barking he heard belonged to a 120-pound Rottweiler. And, THAT, was my security system. What I didn’t tell him is that I only have cell phones in my house. Company scare tactics are awesome when they want you to buy something.

The day goes on. Social events surrounding the Kentucky Derby are about this weekend. All required tasks must be complete by end-of-business today. And so I go.


How to Cheat and Improve Your Marriage at the Same Time.

April 28, 2010

1) Make a Decision

If you are going to cheat, go all the way. Don’t do it half-assed. Commit yourself mentally or it’s never going to work. Be prepared to lie, steal and, cheat well. Next, decide how far you want to go, whether it’s a hand job at your local non-union massage parlor, or a threesome with you, a midget and a dog. You must align your will with your actions. Removing your delusions will eliminate roadblocks; allowing you to connect directly with your desire. Don’t half-ass it, don’t second guess yourself. Regrets are for those who have no wish to live a full life.

Make a decision to deliberately deceive the person you swore to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your natural life to the best of your abilities and without buying into the bullshit that it’s wrong. You’ll hear it all the time and the rationalizations that go with it; but truth be told if your wife was as devoted to your happiness as you are to hers you wouldn’t even be thinking about it.

2) Prepare and Execute

Find out your wife’s favorite flower, plan a girl’s night, start doing little things a little at a time, and ask her opinion about every subject. The more little things you do, not big things, the more comfortable she will become. Compensating does not eliminate her looking at your cell, sniffing through your email, surprising you at the office for lunch. The way you think you can’t get caught is the way you will. Do not be conspicuous. When she’s around focus on her or what you have to do. Give her no reason to suspect that you are doing anything else, but what you are doing. If you are spending a long time “checking your email” then you probably aren’t. If you want to be crafty, draw her a bath and check your Ashley Madison account after she’s been in about ten minutes. Make sure she doesn’t have a towel.

MySpace, Facebook, Tagged, Xanga, LiveJournal, Friendster, etc. will record everything you do, along with your computer. Get a laptop and password protect it. If she sees it, she will suspect it. Learn the ways of concealment.

Second, do not shit where you live. Do not leave anything undeleted, un-erased, un-destroyed. Do not mess around at work. Don’t go after the altar boys in your own parish. Do not keep mementos, do not give mementos. Pictures, letters, panties, broken condoms, should all be disposed of promptly and properly. Never use credit to pay for anything and always get rid of the receipt. Pack a bag and leave it in the car. Develop a hobby as an excuse as to why you went somewhere. Make it something you enjoy so she’s none the wiser. Know her schedule backwards and forwards, and any reason why she would deviate. If it looks like trouble, abort. You can always re-schedule or find another person to play bump-bump with. Getting caught is the last thing you want. The motto I constantly live by in these situations is, “Don’t Be Stupid.”

3) Look at the Big Picture

For your wife, ask her what her dreams are. Acting in a revival of “Steel Magnolias”, skydiving, and fucking Robert Goulet and Tom Jones at the same time are the top three dying wishes of married women in Arkansas. Buying her a ticket to Las Vegas or getting her acting lessons is the first step to making her think you care about her dreams. Facilitate and plan ahead. She will be taken aback by your thoughtfulness and unaware of you being a shrewd bastard.

For you, go workout. It stimulates the body, the mind and the prostate to see all those hot chicks bouncing on the elliptical. If your wife asks who you are trying to look good for, just reply for her only. Even if she snickers or chortles, she’ll melt a little inside. In reality it is for all the chicks you will be banging while their parakeet takes copious notes.

See where you want to be in a few months, in a year. Knowing where you want to go and how to get there will bring you a sense of purpose and give you the glow of confidence every man with spray tan wants.

In conclusion, as you grope for the details of your affairs, a final warning: Never give direct access to your day-to-day life. Never give your address, your familiar email, your web handle, your dog’s name, the name of your member, not your favorite number, nor your real birthday even. If trouble ever comes to your door the details of your other life will not match causing disconnect, casting the shadow of doubt on the tale.

The psychological service you are providing yourself is invaluable. Sustained released of wanton lust is better than letting it build to the point of boiling over that give way to sloppy, uncontrolled outbursts. You’ll live longer for it. And if it you arrive at a point where your marriage is getting better than you can simply turn this channel of your life off.

Until next time, “Don’t Be Stupid”.