Archive for August, 2009

Things To Do in Denver When You’re Stupid

August 19, 2009

I’ve lived in a lot of places and such juxtaposition is not without consideration. Here’s some stupid things people have done during my tenure in Denver.

1.  Tell A Guy From Detroit You are Tougher Than He Is

Yes, that’s right I witness two douche bags (is that one word or two) actually tell a guy, who was from Detroit, a foot and change taller, that they were tougher than he was. I exited promptly and did not stick around to find out how badly they got beat.

2. Compare Area Codes Instead of Dick Size

At a bar after another thrilling Bronco’s loss my lady, my friend and I inadvertently wind up in a bar where we shouldn’t be.  In other words, people who don’t like people with my color skin are present.  First thing to happen is I get challenged to a headbutting contest – I lose, not on purpose.

Second, my lady gets mad because some guy is talking smack and wants to fight him AND all his friends. And third, due to decency laws, my friend cannot simply whip out and compare penises with the guy he’s arguing with so they compare area codes instead. Not even joking, here’s an excerpt:

“Oh you 303, muthafucker?? Well I’m 816 (Kansas City)!!”

Politicians could take a cue from this kind of diplomacy.

3. When Driving A POS, Threaten Somebody

Driving home one day from work I happened to change lanes at the same time as the guy behind me. He, in his vintage 1983 Cutlass with no paint job and me in my 2005 Civic, with one.

Him: “Hey man!! Don’t fuckin’ cut me off ever again!!”

Me: “Pull over…”

He drives off.

The proportion of assholes on the road is directly affected by the outcome of Bronco games.

4. Pretend To Be A Gang-ster

While walking home two of my military friends happened upon a man with his two “ho’s” who began talking a little smack. Words were exchanged and the man proceeds to call his friends for a drive-by to be executed . They thought this would be an interesting comparison to their own experiences in Iraq so they take a seat.

After much proselytizing on the phone, my friend points out that when the antenna is flashing on his particular model phone,  no call is being made.

After another twenty minutes of waiting, they leave.

5. When Riding A Bike, You BOTH Have To Share The Road

Driving down a three lane thoroughfare when a kid about 19 or so pulls out without signally or even looking.  He tried to pull out in front of me doing 30 and I just went around him. He mean mugged me and said, “What asshole??!! You got a fucking problem??!!” He repeated as apparently my age would denote that I can’t hear well.

I said, “Yea, I got a fuckin’ problem – Signal!! You wanna share the road?? Then signal.” And I moved my arm in several motions to indicate how one would enter traffic on a bicycle.

He just looked at me quizzically for several moments and went on his merry angst-filled way.

In conclusion I would like to point out that any relation to these events described and real people is entirely deliberate. In general people in Denver are nice, but insincere. The attempt to inflate the “street cred” or “toughness” of Denver is something I find idiotic.